No, I really shouldn’t.
Ever notice that our need to suddenly change and adapt a new look or habit is also deeply on the heels of not wanting to deal with other things in our lives? I have done this a lot — I don’t want to deal with with what’s in front of me so I dye my hair or get a new piecing or decide to take on another project.
PS. THERE IS A NUDE-ISH IMAGE IN THIS NEWSLETTER. IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, TURN AWAY NOW.
Back to: The Bangs. I don’t have the face for it despite my dearest hair dreams. And, yes: I know that beauty standards and face shapes and “what we should do” is all garbage. Sure, I could do it but I’d have to cut into far into my very fine hair line, and I’m not willing to give up any growth that I have.
But, will I dye my hair bright blonde so that I can stress over it and ignore the other things that are really bothering me. And I don’t just do this with my appearance . . . I do it with people as well.
Do I want to run away from everything all the time? Yes. Gosh, yes.
Do I find ways to be angry or upset with a person because they’ve gotten too emotionally close to me? Yes.
Have I ruined multiple friendships, peer relationships, lover relationships? Yeah, I’ve done that too.
But where does this all come from? And can I fix it? More importantly, can I mend these moments with myself and others?
1-800-HEYLAURA is so very imperfect and honest and tries very hard to be something cool for you to read when you commute from the bed to the kitchen to the computer. This edition, my dear reader, is all about our deeper insecurities. Enjoy.
Gilda Radner pouring milk into her purse on SNL is how I feel about being an adult who deeply wanted to be an adult as a kid just to find out that it’s not as grand as the keys and the wallet and the pens and mints and tampons and everything I could fit into my purse would be. The purse is so nice! Everything in the purse is nice! The milk is what we have to deal with in order for the purse to keep on functioning.
Nothing Is Fair
Not all of us live in a world where we can wake up, drink $10 celery juice, and start working when we feel like it. Most of us have more than one job (as I write this at 6am before going to my 9-5 job) and we don’t have the luxury or leisure to kick back and let the world present its best self to us.
Let me just acknowledge right now this right now so we both can remember that things are difficult. We have been thrown quite the hand in the last few years (months, days, hours, minutes), and there is no way for all of us to walk to the other side of cultural shifts without feeling overwhelmed but the universal state of affairs. All this to say: if you fuck up a routine, give yourself some grace and kindness.
Perfection doesn’t allow us to grow, and growth is messy. We are all emotionally The Hulk. You will have bad days.
Somethings To Try:
1. Reach out to someone you might have hurt in the past.
2. Recognize negative stimulus and consider why they’re there.
3. Note when your defenses are down and what you do — Do I want to eat all the M&Ms the moment I turn off my last Zoom call? Maybbbbeee.
4. Forgive yourself as much as you can. If you’re like me, you’ll beat yourself up over something you did 2 year ago that is still the dumbest thing you could have ever done…like, ever. But every day it gets a little better and easier for it to float away.
This Body
(mini essay)
I feel very lucky to be on the receiving end of so many messages from people who like my work and words; opening up about your life, your struggles with body image, what you have overcome, your sex questions. I hold your vulnerability close to me because it's not easy to share your story, insecurities, or triumphs with anyone . . . let alone me. So, in honor of your vulnerability, I'd like to share one of mine:
I have a really hard time with the shape of my stomach. It's where I carry a lot of my weight and often gets mistaken as a pregnant belly when I'm in public. I am usually very confident about my body but my stomach has always been a pain point — from bulimia to body positivity, the undying need for it to go away or be smaller has never left me. Every diet, every lifestyle change, every workout, every mantra has not rid me of this insecurity. I was in such a panic the other day about it that I started Googling the cost of liposuction and the recovery time. And this passes, changes, morphs into something else where I reevaluate the severity of surgery and how quickly I jumped to that solution — remember The Bangs? This is not one of my favorite attributes about myself; how much I believe in self-love but also struggle with loving my body. Being human is this ironic, vast conundrum that allows this duality.
But, I take all these nude photos. Maybe you've seen them! They're pretty and perfect and I can see why I do them: sometimes even I need to remind myself that I'm more than a woman with a big belly. I get to have these visual reminders of how fucking awesome my body really is and how much it has carried me over the last few months.
If you needed a reminder that it's really okay to still feel insecure, here it is. I'm 33 and this is just part of navigating self love, confidence, and body positivity. Your insecurities don’t pay rent, and do not own you. I promise.
Found Found Found
The Pasta Queen. You’re catching me in a moment in my life where I’m very dedicated to pasta.
What Is Florida? After questioning New York for a bit, Florida needed to have a moment.
Marsha P. Johnson Foundation. Donate.
Currently Reading: A Girl Returned by Donatella Di Pietrantonio
This cutie:
@reesabobeesa is me and I am reesabobeesa.
Temporary Stay / p2
Marion looked out beyond the outdoor seating of the cafe and into the slow-paced community surrounding her afternoon cappuccino. She silently prayed to the universe she would end up here or some version of here soon, permanently living on her own calm terms, even if it was particularly cold at that moment. No sweater or cardigan to be found, leaving it in the hotel by her own defiance — she promised no cardigans anymore.
Cardigans represent more than covered limbs and dealing with 3/4 length sleeves. Larger than the average French woman (she is not) she had seen walking by or by her at-home life. In width and height, Marion was very aware of the space she occupied in this chair and in the world; her round face matched her softness. Back home, she tried to disconnect from her body so that she could set goals, move forward, find her plan. Cardigans have been every plus-size woman’s comfort at one-point or another. A thin sweater that does nothing for anyone’s shape yet a security blanket in case anyone got too close.
She wasn’t doing it anymore. She mentally couldn’t. She could however sit her at this cafe and drink her cappuccino and feel fucking okay for once — her brain mentally wrestled with her. She was determined to just be.
Across the street from the cafe was a restaurant that had just set up to start serving. A server from the restaurant looked up and to the right of the street parallel to Marion. She also looked. A tall woman wearing a red coat, oval sunglasses, and low-chunky heels sauntered toward the restaurant. Marion studied her. The way her feet clopped to the floor was imperfect and yet so very elegant.
(part 3 to come)
1-800-HEYLAURA is a weekly newsletter dedicated to body image, sexual wellness, life, butts, confidence, and so much weirdo stuff. Note, Laura doesn’t take responsibility for your life and actions. She’s just an odd person on the internet that deeply wants to write everything in her heart and genitalia and flesh. Some links:
15% off at Foria Wellness by using LAURA15 at checkout.
Buy me a coffee.
Got a q? Email me.
Want to comment? Do it! Substack allows for that!