Hello Hello…longtime no talk.
Oh, what have I been doing? Welp. I’ve been finishing a book, creating some cool 9-5 projects, working out, walking, making pasta, drawing, updating my web site, emailing, reading, 1:1s, literally everything other than sitting still and being quiet.
And while I’m slightly miffed at myself for not keeping up with this newsletter the way I should, I’m kind of like….sometimes more writing doesn’t serve me. And maybe hearing from a soft and sensitive (yet cunty) 33-year-old is not what you needed for the last few Tuesdays. Win, win.
If I’m honest, I’ve been really sad lately.
I’m sad that we’re at the end of the year and we are still inside.
I’m sad that I felt a lot of body image issues in 2020..but thought I had figured this out.
I’m sad because I thought I didn’t need validation from my parents and when I didn’t get it after this year I felt super alone.
I’m sad because I still trying to figure all of this out.
I’m sad that I’m still mourning 2020.
Maybe you are too? My therapist told me that you also are. Maybe she was lying . . . I don’t think so, though. I feel like we’re all shutting off zoom and breathing into mental paper bags trying to get through the next one as we go into the next year wondering what life will be. And all of this makes us question what we accomplished this year….and our self-worth.
Reminders:
You’re not 100 weasels in a skin-suit.
Mistakes are there for a reason.
Crying every night after work doesn’t equal thriving.
If your mom wasn’t there for you as a kid, she won’t be there for you as an over-accomplished adult.
Lizzo is not our self-worth savior
And neither is Adele or Queen Latifah or Melissa McCarthy or Aidy Bryant or any other pre/current fat woman.
Why is it that it’s okay to demonize fat women (and fat bodies) but then look to them for their bravery? It’s like, “You can’t have clothes, opportunities, representation, equal pay…..but can you, like, tell me how I can love myself?” It’s infuriating. But even more than that, it’s dangerous.
We tell these women to be feminine but cover up but lose weight but don’t step foot in a gym but be happy with yourself but hate yourself so we feel good hating them as well. I thought by now we could look at a person like Lizzo who is just trying to exist and not lean on her for how we’re supposed to feel about ourselves.
So who cares if Lizzo did a smoothie cleanse. Do you pay her rent? And if the argument is “well, she represents all big girls to love themselves.” Alright…so none of y’all have gone on a diet or a cleanse or anything of the sort, huh? Lizzo represents Lizzo — a woman who happens to be fat trying to make decisions for herself. And if you’re that mad, go yell as the plastics industry or GMO lobbyists or simply men…don’t we have all the receipts on them?
Fat women are not our saviors for our self-worth.
Today’s Sex Ed
When I went through sex education, it was very much “Don’t give men a reason to chase you.” No joke, there were plenty of crazy conversations around men will be men rhetoric, and we either give them what they want or they will take it by any means necessary. It was violent and reinforced the message that if you were a young woman, you lived in a man’s world where they could pick and chose who they wanted and when. As a fat kid, I was supposed to be grateful if any man gave me any attention. So what did I do? I let them take advantage of me. Of course. WHY WOULDN’T I? My self-worth came from the attention men would give me. And this sticks with me now as I try to find ways to validate myself every single day.
So much of sex education is just fallopian tubes and telling women they need to be perfect in order to be selected by men OR if they’re not perfect they should be grateful for the attention. It’s a wonder why self-worth is more than just a few journaling sessions and lighting a candle for clarity. It’s ingrained in us to hate ourselves.
If you’re having trouble feeling sexy with a partner (or yourself), you’re totally normal. While the above might not fit in your story, there is so much that we have been taught that says, “Other people give you your worth.” And it’s just not true.
Sex and intimacy is 90% mental. It doesn’t matter what you can do with your hands or genitalia or mouth or anything. It has so much to do with how we see our worth in relation to what we have been taught.
Found Found
Chubby Candles by Amani London.
This is how you slice cake.
These claws, bitch.
Chonky queen.
Need a gift?
Temporary Stay / cont.
The woman in red pulled Marion away from the seat and her drink, waving to the waiters and gesturing that she will be back to continue drinking wine. The pair briskly traipsed the cobblestones back up the street to a small enclave that was barely noticeable. Inside, a courtyard filled with flowers that reached up toward the sky; eclipsed by the triangular, architectural peaks. Marion caught each detail as the woman in red, now arm-in-arm with her, led her to a wooden staircase that swirled three times before reaching a white door with a fake amber knob.
Marion felt flushed as she watched the woman pull out a singular key that rested on a gold carabiner to unlock the door. This was certainly her place but Marion didn’t fight the pangs that swirled in her head: Would you do this back at home? But this is not home. This is Paris.
The door swung open to a bare kitchen with a wooden island in the center. On it were crumbs and a bowl of lemons and mail that seemed to have been looked at and then quickly ignored. The refrigerator was covered in magnets from different American cities and states. “Come in, I promise I don’t bite,” said the woman in red. Marion closed the door behind her. Her leopard shoes clashed with the black and white checkerboard flooring as she shuffled around watching the woman in red take off her only identifying coat and place it across a stool placed right next to the gas oven.
“Don’t mind the mess. I wasn’t expecting anyone. But nonetheless, you wanted bread.” Her hand pulled out a half loaf from a breadbox on the kitchen counter and lightly pulled an edge for Marion. She didn’t put it in Marion’s hands. No. It was directly to her mouth. “Taste this,” she said as she placed the piece on her tongue. “Rosemary and olive.” Marion let the bready innards lay across her tongue to let the flavor absorb into her mouth. It was buttery without feeling ill, soft without being under, heavy without weighing her down. This was excellent bread. “Bread deserves our respect, you know. It’s life. And a life without bread is not one I care to live.” Marion look directly into her eyes as the woman finished the sentence. Life, in that moment, felt less complicated. Less tired to arbitrary rules about how one should be or not be. To wear a cardigan or not. To eat bread or not. To be happy or not.
“You still haven’t answered my question,” said the woman in red. She leaned over the wooden island toward Marion. “Tell me your most intense, earth-shattering orgasm.”
Personal Self-Worth Practice
I am getting braces. Yes, me…33 year old pretend adult is getting braces (on the backs of my teeth). I saved for the entire year in order to be able to pay for them! I have always been really self-conscious of my smile for, like, years and years. There have been many times where I’ve told myself how I wasn’t worth trying to fix something about myself . . . and now I’m doing it!
I slept in today. I don’t do this. Most of the time I wake up at 630 and ready to work by 8am. But today I just needed some more sleep. I really had to fight myself to stay in bed a little longer and not feel guilty to take the time.
I am actually doing the exercises my therapist gives me. Normally I sort of just ignore them because they cut into me doing other things…like scrolling on TikTok i.e. ignoring what I need to work on. But I’m realizing I need to stop and put in the work on this one.
So much of self-worth is slowing down.
When’s the last time you had some tea?
1-800-HEYLAURA is a weekly newsletter dedicated to body image, sexual wellness, life, butts, confidence, and so much weirdo stuff. Note, Laura doesn’t take responsibility for your life and actions. She’s just an odd person on the internet that deeply wants to write everything in her heart and genitalia and flesh. Some links:
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Hey Laura! Love all the honesty about self-worth and feeling sad--so important to hear that we aren't alone in feeling this--esp. right now! Love getting all your newsletters--they literally breathe life into me and validate everything I've ever thought or felt myself :) Thank you for being you!