Dear Reader,
Yes, I should be more on top of these newsletters. I should be writing more. I should be working on second book. I should, I should, I should. But there is always this hysterical, wailing voice in the forefront of my brain that buzzes between my eyebrows saying how no one wants a word from me. There are days where scream back, “I’m leaning into my cringey sad girl, poetic voice!” and there are days the wails drown out my more favorable inner monologues. It’s time + cringe + imposter syndrome always holding my personal creative work hostage, not allowing me to write the erotic poetry I want to write, dive into the Italian book I’ve been thinking about for two years, take the hot photos I’ve been dying to pose for. I believe this is what people call unapologetic and dear god do I apologize too much.
Then there is the part of me that’s like Whatever, I have a full time job that requires a lot of my time. I freelance which requires me to give up my extra time. I can’t just make content and write another full proposal and dance on TikTok. But maybe if I prioritized it a bit more, I wouldn’t feel so far behind on my personal goals. Alas, there is not enough time in the day to both be a relevant person and also maintain peace.
There are life updates as well. I’ll get to those later. But this delayed newsletter (I’m not going to apologize, I’m not going to apologize) is dedicated to everything I wish I did all the time. And if it doesn’t kill me to do, maybe I’ll keep doing them. Also, hi. How are you? Is the world still feeling like we’re in a cosmic simulation to you? Jokes on all of us. We’re very real.
xoxo,
Laura
Food, Sex, TV, Beauty, Books, Fun, Life
best-in-show
🍝 Would you believe that on my birthday I was able walk in during the dinner rush and get a bar seat at Misi in South Williamsburg? The Mezze Rigatoni with 30 clove pomodoro and basil will stay with me for the rest of my life.
🍑 The Spareparts Joque harness is my go-to favorite for wearing a cock as you can adjust to where your center of gravity is on your body—I place everything a little hire so I have more control. Plus, I like that it lays flat under clothes if you’re wearing it out.
📺 TV. I’m invested in Shrinking on Apple TV+. Of course, there is an unspoken element of rich people in rich houses able to get rich care with from their rich resources and rich friends—but I do enjoy Jason Segel’s endless optimism.
💄 Call my basic. I don’t care. The Glossier Dotcom Balm in Wild Fig is everything to me.
📖 The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance by Mistress Lorelei Powers—If I’m honest, I’m really turned on by the idea of people in power submitting to me. And even more turned on by the thought of being a slow-moving, captivating speaker who doesn’t give a fuck. So, now we’re here . . . reading dominatrix manuals on the L Train.
🖤 Current life: Dating, pilates, buying myself flowers, playing with oil pastels and generally allowing myself to exist instead of constantly produce. I think I’m always going to be a bit of a low-lift personal creator on Instagram. And forget about TikTok—I simply do not have the time. Dating has been lovely and then not so lovely and then really lovely again. My therapist predicted someone would come into my life at the 6ish month mark of being single—I laughed it off then, and now the universe is laughing at me. And pilates: it was one of my hopes for myself to feel comfortable bending and stretching on a reformer, and here I am a Pilates girl. Want to go sometime and talk about how the universe is hilariously willing to steer your personal timeline a little off track to see how you handle it? DM me.
Objects That Make Me Want To Have A Mental & Emotional Orgasm
For The Good Boys
each freckle is a map to your gagged mouth
desperately wanting a kiss
with no satisfaction.
and I want you to be satisfied.
I want you to be a puddle of DNA across the floor
tearing up and vulnerable.
we’ll joke in public about me being a cherub and you being cupid
but we both know who wields power when bare.
your lips.
do you want a kiss, good boy?
how about I run my tongue across the bulging silicone
grazing your lips
aching to kiss me.
Object That Have Given Me Physical Orgasms Lately
njoy pure wand ($120) — the rocking motion gets me.
amor ($44.99) — just leave it wherever you want to leave it and let it happen.
magic wand vibrator ($79.95) — a classic, an icon.
lust grinding pad ($140) — better than a washing machine.
chrystalino planets glass dildo ($31) — i like pretty things
On Nudes
I’d like to share more—but I stress about how that might rock my professional stability. Dumb, right? It’s a stupid stress. Because I see nudes as a way to see yourself fully. It’s for you (well, me) to embrace who I am and what this body has gone through to get me here. It’s so powerful. While this is a simply selfie / mirror selfie, I’d like to see myself lean into more high-key lighting, better cameras, fresher composition. Okay. Here you go. No lipstick, yes dog bowl.
Final Words
I’m going to try not to beat myself up so much about not producing creative in my personal life. It makes me feel like I’m trying to beat out death, like I’m fast tracking myself to a well-designed, fully curated casket—that I have absolutely thought about—because the pressure to make is more terrifying than actually making something. So here is my newsletter that I’ve neglected time and time again for fear of producing. Hope you enjoy the lean in. I did not die give you all my weird erotic poetry, nudes, and objects that have gotten me off.
Chat soon.
—Laura
Hey Laura is a short newsletter dedicated to body image, sad stuff, joy, sexual wellness, life, butts, confidence, essays, fatness, crying until you're a puddle of DNA, embarrassment, and so much weirdo stuff.
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