Hello, this will not start with the holiday cheer you might be looking for. In fact, it’s very opposite. I might piss some people off — and it’s probably because I’m sad and hurt and pissed off as well about the holidays. It’s a weird time: simultaneously a time I love because it meant I got to be around my grandmother. But, it’s also a time where I felt the most berated about my size from life, family, work, content, the world. And now that I don’t have her, it is a bit of a cluster of my own anger mixed with large french press espresso everyday for the last few days.
I could be disappointed with myself for being angry — something I actively work on and find ways to calm my temper. But whatever. It’s almost 2022 and this is Hey Laura — where there aren’t any exclamation points.
Here we go:
I have spent a good hour every single day for the last 14 days trying to find a dupe of the Daily Sleeper pajamas set. I think about it all the time, and have wanted a set since their arrival on the market (aka when I first saw them on Instagram over a year ago). I’ve looked at countless reviews, considered ways to do it myself, watched many a “plus size reacts” videos from non-fat girls wearing the 3XL. I’m just . . . tired. I’m so tired of it being 2021, almost 2022 and me being a literal fat detective on how to move through life the way I want to — the way I deserve to. The way you deserve to.
Yes, they are just pajamas. But they’re cool and elevated and a utility and unique and chic. It speaks anti-fat volumes of please don’t wear our clothes and murder us if any of them shimmy their way into a top when you’ve got 1. vanity sizing and 2. just not enough sizes for the majority of the people in the market. Maybe we haven’t moved the needle that much if a pair of feather-trimmed pajamas are only available to the size 10s and 12s of plus-size?
Again, it’s not just that. It can’t just be about pajamas.
It’s non-fat people showing their nipples on IG and plus size women being banned for doing the same thing. Not their fault — it’s a digital system run by mostly men who hate women, and especially hate fat women.
It’s non-fat people in corporate jobs making content for fat people. Again. Not their fault. It’s the lack of fat people in corporate, it’s the inability to not see fat as an equivalent to lazy.
It’s the 11 Honoré sponsored ads of small fat women wearing yet another wrap dress. That….That’s their fault. I mean, you make a plus-size clothing line with Lena Dunham and expect me not to point the finger at you?
It’s the non-fat people who eat pizza on IG without a single death threat. Again again. Not their fault. That’s society who has made it impossible to exist in a fat body for just living . . . or eating. They know we have to eat, right?
I am not mad at non-fat people. I wish I could be. They’re gorgeous. They are light and love. They’re everything. I just wish it was seen as equal. Ya know? Weight stuff, bodies, all that shit: It’s all fake and bullshit. We all have the same insecurities — we just experience the world differently, and I hate that for all of us.
(Hate is a big word that I shouldn’t use but dang, aren’t you frustrated as well? Aren’t you in rage that Lizzo legit can’t go in TikTok without thousands of comments about her body? Like, she gives you hit after hit and we think it’s just acceptable?!)
Okay, I’ll stop. Here are some good things:
1. Meyer lemons are in season and less tart than normal.
2. Drag Race Season 14 comes back on January 7th.
3. Masks and canceled plans are cool again (obvs, I hate the reason….I meant that hate).
4. I got my braces off. Feb - December Metal Mouth 2021
5. I do genuinely think we have come a long with with body acceptance and representation. There are so many people (fat and non-fat) who have made wild strides in the movement to the point where we are debating over “mid-size.” I mean, wow. While an annoying term, it wasn’t a thing 10, 5, 2 years ago! I see more fat creators, more fat options than ever before. Sometimes, for me, it feels like an intense crescendo when there is nothing anywhere. But then it subsides and I scroll through all the fat babes I follow online.
Here, a self portrait. Don’t hate me. I’m just bruised and needed to get it out.
XOXO,
Laura
P.S. But do I buy this Shein knock off and contribute to climate change and fast fashion? Like, don’t be mad at the fat girls wearing Fashion Nova if you’re not demanding larger sizes in sustainable, affordable brands.
Why Can’t I Be One Of Those Girls?
Why can’t I be one of those girls?
Those girls who have it all. Not seemingly. Just do.
Those girls who pick and choose.
Those girls who slide nicely into their slip dress and head out the door.
You know who I’m talking about.
One of those girls that comes to a meeting with only a notebook and pen.
One of those girls that knows what she wants without worry that they won’t carry her size.
One of those girls who just sits — can you imagine just sitting? And being comfortable? And not putting your hand over your midsection? And not showing up early just incase the table or plane seat or conference chair is too small?
One of those girls who flippantly speaks about her motivation as if it flows out of a never ending glass of water.
One of those girls who takes far too long to order at a restaurant, but no one seems to care.
One of those girls who has never had to weigh the pros and cons of a laser hair removal retailers on Groupon.
One of those girls who is just her and that’s it.
A take it or leave it attitude, but you have to take it, and take it, and take it because if you don’t then you’re not a woman who supports women or whatever the fuck we say now.
I am a girl who is hurt because of how many times I have watched those girls exist on the other side of societal glass. They look happy. And that’s all I tell my therapist I want.
Maybe they aren’t happy. I’ll never know.
(Should I just pretend I write poetry now?)
(Okay, I write poetry now)
The Links
Donate Here:
Liberty Humane Society
The Loveland Foundation
Trans Lifeline
Afghanistan Crisis Appeal
Plan C Pills
Clean Air Task Force
Deep South Center for Environmental Justice
NAACP
Plastic Oceans
Texas Choice Fund
The Stigma Relief Fund
Buckle Bunnies Fund
Minnesota Freedom Fund
Women For Afghan Women
ASEEL
Pre-Order My Book!
Bookshop.org
Barnes and Noble
Amazon
International Orders
Chronicle Books
Great Follows:
@thickthighyoga
@your.latina.nutritionist
@iamivyfelicia
@whatfatbabesactuallywear
@thiccmama_thrifts
@fromsarahlex
The Considerations
FourFeels. They are a company that makes adaptogens (think: powders that you can add to a smoothie) that feel good whether that is to energize, de-stress, find clarity in your skin, or provide a better relationship to you gut. I’ve been drinking the Evergreen one for the last week and dang, I’ve gotten a lot of things done during Q4-senioritis. I added a scoop to yogurt and made a lil latte — pretty good! It’s not sweet so opt for a honey or agave if that’s your bag (it’s mine). The La Juventud tastes like cashews and super good if ya got a frother. I added it to a coffee and it was pretty cool — I don’t think you’re supposed to do that, but it was fine!
Unbound Bit. Okay okay….I am not good with a ball gag. I have a small mouth, and big teeth and a gag reflex . . . you should see me wear my retainers, it’s pathetic. But this was really easy to use! It fit perfectly in my mouth without taking up too much space, and the silicone made the pressure on my teeth less intense (good for me!). Learn more about how to use on Unboundbabes.com!
The Pasta Tarot. Maybe the best Kickstarter project I’ve ever backed. This is a full deck filled with pasta and Italian iconography and sauce and modern saints and gorgeous illustrations. Part of my backing came with a reading (see below my cards). Basically, what this reading says is that I’ve had a life shake up that has made me feel empty, but I have the potential for all the things I want — I just need to believe that I can do it. ACCURATE. This, for me, was really nice to experience — and now to own! I have often felt disconnected from my Italianness and with my grandmother passing, it has become a lot harder to find my identity. I’ve been trying to write a book proposal for 4 months about this exact subject, and I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. I’ve been feeling a lot more motivated lately, so maybe that (and the reading) will help me make those moves.
Put These Alien Fingies On Your Genitals
Oooffff do you have a Hitachi Magic Wand? If you don’t, run to your nearest sex shop or hardware store or Shaper Image outlet because this high-powered giant of the sex toy industry is waiting to make your entire building know you’re using it. Since it’s sexy launch into the pleasure market in 1968, the Hitachi has been a tried-and-true classic amongst sex toy users. And not to bring up SATC right now during Mr. Big’s Peloton demise and the effective cancelation of Chris Noth, but the toy is so popular that Hitachi and its distributor actually Vibratex sold out after a 2002 OG episode featuring the product.
The Lesson: Sex sells and product placement does work!
But this little nifty gadget is a silicone wand attachment that can be inserted, mounted, or pressed into whatever genitals that you see fit. The bumpy bits create a different kind of sensation as the vibration travels through it (Sexy science note: all material experience vibration differently. Silicone has a smoother transmission than say hard plastic. Gold, apparently, has the best). Plus, if you love the Hitachi (or similar wand style vibe) but even the lowest setting is a bit too much, this is a fun way to dull that sensation.
The Scylla Wand Attachment is a creation of Pris Toys, a company that specializes in handcrafted toys that are inspired by science-fiction! Isn’t that amazing!
Price: $90
Also sold at Spectrum Boutique: Here
Final Thoughts
Hey, sorry for the anger earlier. That isn’t me. That’s like, young Laura who is still very hurt by what she has experienced with fatphobia. I’d love to be one of those girls about it, but simply can’t. It feels like a burning ball of white-hot fire when I’m confronted with blatant size bias and inequality. I’m working on it.
It’s a few days from the holiday, and I just want to let you know that you’re valid and your hunger is valid and your body is so so so very valid. It’s a work of art. Below is a picture of me from about a month or two ago. I wasn’t in a great place with my body but still managed to find a moment to snag this photo. When I look at it, I just think how I would feel if it was someone else. Would I be so critical? Not at all. I would praise this body, save the image, stare at it just to take in the divinity and femininity. And I ask, what makes this body less valuable, less deserving? Nothing. It’s perfect.
Keep your hearts and minds safe, my loves.
Hey Laura is an off-track newsletter dedicated to body image, sad stuff, teeth, joy, poems, sexual wellness, life, butts, confidence, essays, fatness, crying until you're a puddle of DNA, embarrassment, and so much weirdo stuff. note: laura doesn’t take responsibility for your life and actions. she’s just an odd person on the internet that deeply wants to write everything in her heart. some links:
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