Hello, normally I send this out on Tuesdays but this week required some more time.
“When is this going to end? Can we just have a month where something isn’t happening. Can I just feel like everyone else for once?”
I sent this to my mother on Monday. I haven’t heard back yet. But I'm not really expecting to. I've never gotten along with my mother . . . or really belonged to her. We've live apart, separately, out of each other's way for quite sometime. I was a grandparent kid — not really thinking about it as a child, but now I can see why it all went down the way it did. My grandparents, bless them, never trusted my mother. I tried to over the years despite their knowing winces of my favor toward her; me forgiving manic episodes, ruined homework, embarrassingly asking other women in public bathrooms to explain pads and tampons to me, and even those times she put credit cards, cars, and even rent under my name. She destroyed my credit for years. I'll definitely never outright own property because of it. But I wanted my mom . . . is that too much to ask?
My relationship with her has been quite kind since May after my grandmother passed away. I would even go as far as FaceTiming her to show her how cute my dog Mona was being with a new toy or sleepy disposition. Cut to October as she tries to add my name to a new house she is buying and all she needs is my social security number and address. Butter me up for months, why don't ya?
Trust is not something I give lightly. I am excellent at providing the people I interact with a base layer to bounce their conversations off, but there is not a moment where my subconscious doesn't prick at my skin to keep me hidden. It's me being like "Laura...do not let the people know that there is deep depression, alcoholism, and bipolar disorder anywhere near you. Don't let them know you just simply can't call your mom like everyone else. Don't let them know any of it."
Not to bring this into the plus-size category, but truly so much of my life is trying to be some version of perfect so everyone around me can look beyond my body to see that I'm very smart, very pretty, very capable, very reliable, very hot, very everything. I don't need this mom stuff to ruin that.
(hello, this is laura's subconscious talking: she sees the internalized fatphobia and able-bodied privilege in all of these statements. she's aware that the fear comes from an intense need to belong. she is working on this in therapy.)
What's really going on is that I'm trying to find new ground with myself as I move into 2022 and getting rid of what doesn't serve me anymore. I feel stupid that I've let her weave in and out of my life — even if it's by phone or fight or me paying off some loan that she put in my name. It keeps her close.
When I wrote my text to her on Monday, I felt like maybe I was being dramatic. I don't know. Maybe I was. But it can also be true that I want a day where I don't fear looking into my credit history to see something else to worry about. That I won't pick up a call from her on the other end screaming that she never wants to hear from me if I don't reveal my SSN. Can one day just be like "Hi, hello, how are you, tell me about your life." I want to belong in general. But am I stupid for wanting to belong to her?
Message me. Tell me your thoughts.
XOXO,
Laura
You’ve Been Briefed
Hello, I go to an acupuncturist now to resolve some foot problems. Am I better than everyone now? My foot might be.
I am going to spend one month at the top of 2022 in Chicago. I always wanted to live there, and now I’m going to see if it’s something I would actually like to do. Not sure which month yet!
I get my braces off in December — I can’t wait to bite into a crusty bread sandwich.
Need some inspiration? I have a new Tumblr: lauraismoody.tumblr.com
I have not fully recovered from the Beanie Feldstein as Fanny Brice news.
Would it be wild if I made an Only Fans of just me eating pasta? Who is the audience for that?
Remember last week when I talked about the Luke Marbled Suction Dildo? Guess who got a lovely package (pun intended) from that very company this week?! It’s good to be the queen. Did they see my drawing on IG where I explicitly added their product?!
The Links
Donate Here:
Trans Lifeline
Afghanistan Crisis Appeal
Plan C Pills
Clean Air Task Force
Deep South Center for Environmental Justice
NAACP
Plastic Oceans
Texas Choice Fund
The Stigma Relief Fund
Buckle Bunnies Fund
Minnesota Freedom Fund
Women For Afghan Women
ASEEL
Indie Mags:
Dope Girls
Frankie
Apology
Racquet
Peach Fuzz
The Fat Zine
If You’re A Man That Has Fantasized About Me, I Would Like One Of Each.
Thank You.
The Loftie Clock, $149
Cantaloupe Jointlocker: $28
Béis Shopper Tote: $28
Maude, Shine Lubricant: $34
’Bountiful’ Ceramic Bowl by Jillian Evelyn: $800
Great Jones King Sear Frying Pan: $110
Surgeon Clogs in Black: $104
Universal Standard’s Everest Long Hooded Puffer: $285
A penthouse apartment that you pay for me to live because my existence is priceless.
The @EmilyMariko Effect Doesn’t Interest Me
I love a food blog. I love a how-to-food. I love everything to do with how to make something delicious. I’ve been thinking about this @emilymariko phenomenon on TikTok. Like, good on you girl. You have millions of views from people watching you eat. And she is getting all these messages from people saying she is helping them build their relationship to food and how they deserve more. But did the universe not shame Lizzo on that very same app for eating a vegan meal? Come on, y’all. I can’t imagine making a video where I put mayonnaise on something an eat it without a mountain of hate message in my inbox. Unfortunately, this is something a fat creator could never do without severe repercussion. So like, watch, enjoy, eat salmon rice with mayo and soy sauce and it all. I would love us to consider who gets to have a relationship with food and who doesn’t and why. Who gets to belong in this?
I do. That’s who. @heylauraheyyy on TikTok.
Why Would One Purchase A Wooden Sex Toy?
Nope, you will not get splinters! Wood is a sustainable material that can last forever. It has been sanded down and given a protective/ non-porous finish to eliminate splinters and bacteria. Plus, this is a light-weight product is easy to operated with the often carved in handles or grips. There is a tendency to go for metal when looking for solid products designed to hit the g-spots and p-spots, but that weight might not work with everyone’s hand/arm strength or dexterity. Wood provides that pressure with ease.
Reminder. These are hand-carved, one-on-a-kind pieces that will last you forever. The one above is $249.99 from LumberjillLovecrafts on Etsy.
Hey Laura is an off-track newsletter dedicated to body image, sad stuff, teeth, joy, poems, sexual wellness, life, butts, confidence, essays, fatness, crying until you're a puddle of DNA, embarrassment, and so much weirdo stuff. note: laura doesn’t take responsibility for your life and actions. she’s just an odd person on the internet that deeply wants to write everything in her heart. some links:
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