I don’t know if you know this or not but I’ve never lived alone. I tried and failed hard in 2018 — found a dingy, weird vibes studio in the middle of nowhere with zero light and creaks and far far too much quiet to be had. I signed a year lease, stayed for 30 days, and found someone to take it over asap. I couldn’t handle it, and my depression whispered into my ear “maybe take all the pills in cabinet?” every hour of every single day I was there. I looked up haunted spaces, the science behind gut feelings, and dreamt of my grandfather every night — he would tell me to get out and leave the space. It was probably my subconscious projecting onto an image of a person I trusted (and was still grieving over). I wrote about my experience in this small UK press the year after, and carried the shame of that entire NYC apartment-adulthood-debacle for years. It still peers out from me when I’m emotionally unguarded.
December 2021 will be new for me. I will be living at home in the Bronx for the first time in years. It will be me, my brother who currently lives there, my dog, and my aunt who requires caregiving. I will be the caregiver, the food maker, the phone answerer. I will be a pretend home owner for a month . . . maybe more. There is a part of me that’s so excited to live my Bronx life, to walk my dog Mona to the park, to enjoy the slow pace of a borough that has yet to be fully uprooted by industry. But I’m also very worried. I will be mostly alone in a house filled with quietness where there used to be shuffling. I never sat in my grandfather’s chair after he died or slept in my grandmother’s bed. I will now join zoom meetings and work from the kitchen surrounded by them without them being there. Then, of course, worry about my city dog finding comfort in a space that’s not her own.
December will pass and 2022 will be here. Isabel (my partner) will return from Spain, and we will decide if we want to move back in together or live separately. We never intended on being a live together couple. I mean, we never intended on having to wash groceries or wear masks or who will take Mona out next. But here we are. Our potential, probable, most likely apartment separation is more about meeting each other where we are, recognizing we have separate goal, and looking to establish better trust than we had prior to the pandemic. I stress over if this will pull us further away, will Mona be okay living at my place for a month and then hers, back and forth, if I can even afford it now that my student loans are back and worse than before, and will I again be alone.
I’m worried I’ll fail again, that being alone is not something I can handle. After the 2018 incident, I immediately went to therapy and stayed in it ever since — finding better ways to signify that I’m an adult other than making a hasty move to an apartment that I deeply feared. I have Mona now, I have a community now, I have a deeper understanding of why that action, why this action. But still. I’m scared it will all come back.
I look around and see all these adults doing adult things, and I still feel like I’m not there. Any advice on this, reader?
xoxo,
Laura
30-Something Woman With Control Issues And A Fear Of Being Alone Seeking:
- A studio or 1-bedroom apartment in NYC or Brooklyn that is dog-friendly, with natural light, no rodents or bugs, and a hot butch super to fix the filters or sink or ooohhhh no, I think the tub drain is clogged!
- All of my student debt to be paid off by not me.
- The secret to resolving leg acne.
- A Tuca & Bertie colorful outlook
- A velvet green couch and a leopard coat like all the other mysterious girls.
- A contact in the poetry game — can I make my sadness lucrative?
- Something that will take away my constant headaches.
- A nice man to pay my rent in exchange of my existence. Do cis straight men deserve their money? Aren’t I a vision to behold?!
- Lip filler
- A promise from an omnipotent being that everything will be okay.
Link Time
Donate Here:
Clean Air Task Force
Deep South Center for Environmental Justice
NAACP
Plastic Oceans
Texas Choice Fund
The Stigma Relief Fund
Plan C Pills
Buckle Bunnies Fund
Minnesota Freedom Fund
Women For Afghan Women
ASEEL
Afghanistan Crisis Appeal
Need Gifts? Here is my stash of easy to find items for hard to please people:
Baggu - the coolest bags
Wild One - dog stuff!
Coming Soon - weirdo home art stuff
Pretend Store - art directors love this
Manual Photo - buy camera, send it back, they develop
a24 Shop - weird people, weird zines, cool things
Maimoun - smokes
Area Ware - robots, candles, art, desk stuff
Need Supply - lipstick, oils, prints
Bredawatch - watches
Chunks - hair accessories
Artiplanto - faux plants
Slowdown Studios - objects
Shop Shop - feminine objects
Parks Project - cutesy stuff from parks
Tweets of the Week:
The Pasta Tarot
I need everyone here to get on board with this Kickstarter so I can get a deck and a reading! This really caught my eye — the colors, the branding, the love that is put into it. A deck for delicious divination. Made by queer Italian-Americans for all genders and ethnicities. Hello! This was made for me, and you!
Interested? Back This Project
Ready When You Are: The Luke Marbled Suction Dildo
Like, don’t we all deserve a cloud-inspired dildo? Isn’t that what 2021 calls for? Reasons to buy:
- 100% silicone! i.e. doesn’t hold bacteria, easy to clean, can share with partner!
- Harness compatible via the suction base.
- GLOWS IN THE DARK
- Total length 7.5 inches — Bigger IS NOT better, but longer toys allow for users to play with depth and shallowness!
- It’s hella cute.
- It’s $46 at Nox! Completely worth the price!
Hey Laura is an off-track newsletter dedicated to body image, sad stuff, teeth, joy, poems, sexual wellness, life, butts, confidence, essays, fatness, crying until you're a puddle of DNA, embarrassment, and so much weirdo stuff. note: laura doesn’t take responsibility for your life and actions. she’s just an odd person on the internet that deeply wants to write everything in her heart. some links:
buy me a coffee
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got a q? message me.